Expiration Date on Grief
If you are wondering, “Hm, I think I’ve ever heard the title somewhere”, yes, it is taken from one of the episodes of Daily Dose of Sunshine.
According to the thesaurus, grief equals mental suffering equals heartbreak or heartache. In that episode, the nurse was combating her grief because her patient was committing sxxcxdx. Here, I want to tell you something similar yet different type of grief of mine.
One day, when I talked to my workmate as she was preparing for her wedding, she asked me, “How much time do you need to get over someone?” Thankfully, I’ve ever thought about this question before, and after (maybe) getting over someone, I conclude that I am not missing the person, but I am longing for the moment. The answer is it depends on the moment we made. The one I hardly moved on is the one we only get closer to for two or three months, but the time I need to recover is more than a year; it is a process.
On those days, I gained so many things I hadn’t heard from anyone, which made my day. I cherished those moments a lot. When we gradually stopped talking, I bottled up my questions, which I had a lot, yet they ended up buried and poured on that dimmed black night ocean; just like Oceans and Engines by Niki.
I have so many questions
But I’m pouring them into the ocean
And I’m starting up my engine
Oceans and Engines is a perfect visualization of my moments; it envisions the location, the feeling, and the time. For months, I listened to the song (and sang it whenever I thought about it) while thinking, someday, I will stop listening to this song, right? Eventually, this song will indeed graduate from this feeling, right?
It takes time.
At those times, while listening to that song, I was still wondering why we could not be together, why he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, even reply to my short talk. While wishing, I could meet someone like you or just you.
My friend asked, “Have you moved on?”, “Yeah, maybe”, I said. As I no longer texted him, and thinking less about him (and someday, if we are meant to be, the universe will meet us again, right?) So, the answer is yup, I have.
Then, I met someone, but it could not replace him. He tried to enter. Yes, I let him into my heart, but somehow his characteristics did not match mine. The moments he and I made cannot take over those I cherished. I could not bear myself comparing him to my moments; the things I loved were happier and merrier. I know I must not compare one to another, but I could not like him more. We ended up parting (disclaimer: not because I compared him).
I realized for a year, I turned to someone different for someone who has never met me for a long time, and so has him. If we ever meet again, no one guarantees we can regain those moments again. I apprehend that I am no longer missing the person and those moments are already settled, those moments are irreplaceable, and it becomes the base and bare minimum to meet my man.
Now, I no longer listen to Oceans and Engines — the visualization of him already evaporated. Finally, I graduated Oceans and Engines — and the feeling within it.
Grief also has its expiration date. When? The time will not tell, nor with the effort we made, but a wide heart, mind, the realization and the art of letting go. It’s okay. We just need to accept. We will be okay.
